Note #020
Wait, before we get to unconditional love…
My surfing has led me to a place of utter disbelief. Followed quickly by a sense of confusion. My mind is jumbled as I try to sort out what’s going on in a sector of our society.
Here are some of the notes I took while searching for current parent needs, parenting trends, and FAQs regarding parenthood:
high-tech smart bassinet that tracks your baby's sleep
smart diapers that tell you when Baby needs to be changed
we treat our baby like a call center
we are baby support agents (no longer parents)
Several others left me agape, but we’ll save those for another post.
“Hacking” the Baby
Let’s start with high-tech devices. What ever happened to just putting a baby in the crib at night? Sure, I get it that moms and dads need their sleep.
But tracking a baby’s sleep? Heart-rate? Temperature? Wet diaper?
Why? Are we really going to start tracking behavior and biology from the earliest days of a person’s life? Is that a good idea? Think about the invasive nature of that progression throughout the lifespan.
Treating a baby like a call center? Baby support agent?
Hard pass on those.
The Human Element
I wonder if a large part of the struggles of society these days is taking the human element out of life, out of relationships? Mechanizing it all? Bio-roboticizing us?
I get it that some people love, love their technology and “life hacks”.
But for those who don’t, let’s increase the human element in our lives and in our relationships.
When I studied positive psychology with Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, I heard a fabulous teaching.
“One positive supportive relationship is the number one indicator and predictor of overall wellbeing.”
Just one relationship. A positive one. A supportive one. As long as we have one of these relationships, we are OK–the indicator. And we will be OK–the predictor.
When it comes to teens and children, that one relationship is not only necessary, it is indispensable.
No teen will flourish if left in isolation. No teen will make it to healthy adulthood without an authentically loving, guiding relationship with an adult.
Your relationship with your teenage child starts in the cradle, if not the womb.
Having a smart cradle or smart diapers takes the human element out of that relationship with a brand new baby. Infancy is a critical stage of the developing, and long-lasting, relationship between parent and child. It’s where nurturing and unconditional love are nested. Momma or Daddy tending and holding, rocking and soothing, changing and cuddling Baby establishes the very foundation of trust and safety.
It is upon this foundation that you will cultivate the relationship with your child all the way through the adolescent years. You cannot turn it over to smart technology! Not if your preference is to enjoy a harmonious relationship with your teenager in the years to come.
Some useful reseach
According to Dr. Gabor Mate, the most critical relationship for youngsters is that with the parents. What an exciting concept for those of you who are parenting teens (as well as pre-teens) right now! You are the most important relationship.
Yet, how often does that statement hurt? Bring you to frustration, sadness, possibly guilt?
In this, I know you are not alone.
You are not the only parent to question where your little girl went, or where your sweet little guy has gone.
Teenagehood is the process of differentiation…the development that teens, and then young adults, go through to become their own person. Youngsters will need to one day leave the nest. To do that, they need a strong sense of self, a sense that they no longer depend on you as the parent for their survival. You want this to happen, in a good and healthy way.
A secure relationship is paramount to a mostly-smooth and successful differentiation process.
That relationship starts with Baby’s first breath. Followed closely by the first diaper change.
We’ll pick up next week on how to love unconditionally.
Take-aways
For now, I’ll leave you with these two advices from Dr. Jean Twenge…
1) give them chores and hold them accountable
2) teach them how to love
And finally…
It could be extremely useful to remember that each child comes with their own set of lessons to learn, their own path to travel through life. They must make their own decisions, and then live with the consequences. We cannot live life for them. We can guide, teach, support, and love them the very best we can. We can always be there for them.
And then we have to let them go. Let them be their own unique self. Trust that they will explore, find, and live their Unique Genius.
Please join me here to participate in this thought exploration. Or here to sign up for the email or leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings.
Until next time … stay YOUTH Positive!
