Note #021
Unconditional Love
Unconditional Love
And here we come back around to unconditional love.
Sometimes this topic gives me a stomach ache. Sometimes it makes my heart soar. And sometimes it just makes me quiet and completely at peace.
What does it really mean and why do we all have such different experiences with it? If it’s unconditional, shouldn’t it be the same for each of us?
I have no concrete answers. I have a lot of questions. I have some ideas, and a bit of experience.
What I would like to share comes from one of these experiences…during a summer meditation retreat eight or nine years ago. About day 4 into studying and meditating deeply, finally settling into the quiet of the retreat and away from the busyness of the outside world, the teacher asked the group, “How do you live when you know that you are loved?”
A deep sense of tranquility snuggled itself around, within, and through me.
Life has a different flavor when you recognize that someone knows you, all of you, and they still love you. To me, this is the unconditional part. It feels so good. It frees us from anxiety, worry, and feeling like we’re all alone on the planet.
And then the teacher dropped a bomb. She asked, “How do you live when you know that you are love?”
You are Love
Living As Love
Do you know that for yourself? Do you experience yourself as love?
I think this might be the secret key to “getting it”, to understanding what unconditional love is and what it’s all about.
“Perfect love casts out all fear” we read in an ancient and profound text. What if that perfect love is the unconditional love that will set us free? Can you find that for yourself? Can you find it for others?
I believe, as Goethe said,
“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.”
If our hearts are full of love, what do we see out there, in the world around us?
Go into your own experience and consider the last time you really felt the freedom of joy that comes from a heart full of love. How did you show up to life? How were your relationships? How bothered by trivialities were you?
So maybe the trick to living in unconditional love is to know, in your heart of hearts, that you are love. And what you are is necessarily what you offer to the world. You can’t offer what you do not have – what you are not.
So, loving yourself first might entail some new perspectives:
Allowing yourself to be fully human
Appreciating the depth of all your emotional experiences
Not judging yourself harshly
Recognizing your areas for growth
Authentic and honest self-talk
Forgiving yourself
Lightening up
What we feel when we feel love is good…and fine and even necessary. Maybe in a moralist way? Maybe it’s a little mushy? Maybe it’s just niceness? Feckless good intentions?
Unconditional love requires some doing.
In my experience, it comprises action and demonstration. First to self, and then toward others.
Unconditional love is holding yourself accountable to high standards of thought, word, and deed. It’s knowing your potential, your Unique Genius, and then earnestly pursuing it. It is knowing when rest would be beneficial, but not shying away from big effort and self-responsibility. It is refining yourself.
This work on the inner self is invisible. How will we know we’re making progress? Through observation of our outward, demonstrated behaviors. Paying attention to the effects we have on our world – our relationships, our families, our communities, our society. Noticing our involvement and engagement in all aspects of life.
So start with yourself, where you actually have a measure of control. Get solid with your ability to unconditionally love yourself. And maybe … you won’t have to change anyone out there, including your children.
For some support in working on yourself, please check out this lesson, The Locus of Control.
It's part of Phase II YOUTH Positive Online Learning, but I would love for you to experience it now and then to be able to support your children through the process.
