Note #019
Two Paths Diverged
I do love the idea shared by my Buddhist teacher when I was on that path of life. He often reminded us that “It’s like this now.”
Let the truth of that soak in for a minute.
Have you ever let your potted plant get too dry? You know how the water just runs through and out the bottom without actually soaking into the soil? Little bits of water, slowly, will allow the dehydrated dirt to eventually absorb the water.
Your mind can sometimes be like that dried out soil. You’ll need to allow plenty of time for new ideas to soak in.
A new, old truth…which is always true…
”It’s like this now.”
Can that become our perspective as we ponder this idea of transforming our teens? Can that be the divergent path, away from needing to transform our teens?
In the moment of heated argument, stiff refusal, or stonewalling, can we take a deep breath and allow that in that moment, it is indeed, like this?
Bring to your awareness the last frustrating experience with your child (if you’re a teacher, think “student”.) Can you even remember what set things off? What was your reaction? And then how did your teen respond to that?
Sometimes, we do get a brief glimpse in the middle of the meltdown when we are lucid. We do recognize how much we don’t want this to be happening. We feel the heaviness and frustranger. Yet so often, we don’t catch ourselves in those moments of lucidity.
We could. If we practiced a tiny bit of paying attention. If we set ourselves up for success before the event, we certainly could bring ourselves right into current time, up out of the pattern, out of the chemical cascade of anger/fear into the reality of “It’s like this now.”
And what would happen then?
Maybe your mind would pan out, widening to take in the full experience: the posture of your child, the facial expression, the tone and volume of voice, the aspect of the eyes. And then, in cinematic fashion slowly spiraling the perspective, simultaneously outward and inward, your insight and feelings are enhanced. You might slip inward into a heart-knowing, understanding that your child simply needs you to love him for who he is. Your daughter needs you to know her fully and still love her. Your son needs you to see him, all that he is - the good, the bad, the ugly - and love him regardless.
Your children, especially teenagers, have a critical need to know, to feel in their bones, in the deepest part of their heart and mind, that you love them unconditionally. You must demonstrate that to them. You must tell them.
Ways to demonstrate that you love you children
Put down your cell phone when talking to them
Turn your heart toward them when addressing them
Listen to them…but really
Look them in the eyes…see them, acknowledge them
Attend their events
Invite them into your life and your activities
Remember…they did not wake up this morning plotting to make you angry!
Words to speak that tell your children you love them
I love you.
Thank you.
Please.
Well done!
You should be so proud of yourself.
I am proud of you.
You matter to me.
Seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it?
I encourage you to try adding one from each list today. And then tomorrow too. And then again the next day.
Repeated over time, our actions become habits. Start a new habit of unconditional love one loving phrase at a time.
If unconditional love is a real felt-experience for your teen, the relationship can change on its own. You won’t need to transform anything. The transformation happens as a natural result.
And anyway, teenagehood IS, necessarily, a transformation period. So, “It’s like this now” can support us, as the adults, in supporting them through the transition.
(This does not mean we allow or condone disrespectful, hurtful, or irresponsible behavior. Next week, we’ll get down and dirty with emotions vs. behaviors. Power lies in knowing and understanding the difference between them.)
Please join me here to participate in this thought exploration. Or here to sign up for the email or leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings.
Until next time … stay YOUTH Positive!