Note #018
Transforming Teenagers
I keep wondering how to approach the world of parenting and educating teens. Since I’ve been out of the classroom, many things have changed: the nature of children and teens, the structure of school, the social expectations placed on today’s teenagers, the pressure to “get it right”, the desires to be influencers. Among others.
I’ve been doing my fair share of surfing, trying to get a bigger picture of the challenges and questions today’s parents and families face. In my morning’s search, I came across what seems to be a pretty legit website with tons of ideas for supporting teens to success.
But here’s where I got stuck. This student success coach offers a course entitled “Transform your Teen Today”.
My first thought on reading that title was sadness. I felt the corners of my mouth turn down. I felt my heart drop with heaviness. My second thought was, “Why do we need to transform them? Isn’t adolescence a natural glorious, messy, anxious, exhilarating stage of human development? Why can’t we simply guide them through it, without needing to “transform” them?”
And then my questioning nature dominated and off to the races on why this seems like such a backwards idea.
I wonder if this “transform-the-teens” mentality contributes to the struggle that today’s teens face. Teenagehood is tricky enough as it is…
the struggle for self-identity
the challenge to “fit in”
the discomfort at being different/awkward/geeky
anxiety and mental distress
academic difficulties and protests
and on and on.
If we, as the adults in their lives, consider it necessary, or even important, to “transform” them, what does that say to them? What message does that send?
How does that affect their self-perception and their self-worth?
How does that affect our desires to have strong relationships of trust with our teenage children?
What do we really expect from them? And what do we want for them?
Then my mind goes here…
And…what if you didn’t need to transform your teen?
What if you simply loved him or her for who he or she is today, knowing that growth and change will happen?
What if you could adjust the lens through which you see your child to a more positive aperture? How might that perspective change your relationship with him or her?
What if your teen simply wants your love and acceptance? Are you willing to open your heart to that?
What if your teen doesn’t need you as a friend? Are you willing to step into the role of parent rather than peer?
Are you unknowingly trying to live through your teen, wanting things for them that you didn’t achieve for yourself?
How willing are we, as the adults, to really listen to them, rather than lecture? We ALL know the inevitable result of the lecture is the massive eye roll! Which we do not love. In fact, many of us are triggered by it. “Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me!”
Is this part of what we want to transform? What if, instead, we can open our mind enough to realize this is a learned response to being lectured. Everything learned can be unlearned.
And there we are again, stuck right in the thick of Transforming your Teen!
Oof. (Baby steps here, to move beyond the deeply, deeply ingrained need to transform!)
Rather, what if we listened on the inside? If we heard the emotion and hope and desire behind the words? If we could perceive the longing, the uncertainty, the anxiety, and need to be seen and appreciated behind the behaviors? If we could open to the uncertainty pushing the words and the behaviors of our teens, would our hearts transform? Would our behaviors change?
We know that all change is self change. Maybe that’s a path we could wander down … transforming the self. Maybe?
But maybe we could benefit from a little self-acceptance as well?
Let’s spend the next several weeks exploring these ideas. I have so many more questions that arise from this one title! Do you, too? Does this impact how you think about your teen and who he or she is and how they show up to life?
Together we’ll ponder, share some ideas, and figure out, for now, if this “transformation” thing is a useful undertaking or not.
Please join me here to participate in this thought exploration. Or here to sign up for the email or leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings.
Until next time … stay YOUTH Positive!